How many years has it been now since I first started my walk on the damn narrow path to Christianity. OOOH! the pain I went through. the doubt, the anger at even contemplating christianity, the despair created if I didn't follow. What a conundrum I was in.
I moved forward, it may have been painful but it was the better option than staying stagnant in pain and despair.Always, the feeling of never moving, never growing but still more at peace with my decisions lay within, ever beneath the surface. When oh when was I going to feel, smell, sense what it means to be a Christian. When was I going to have a slow, ever swelling sense of Faith built within. To know,without doubt, or at least reasonable doubt, that I did not have to do it all on my own; That faith would get me there and grace catch me.
Its not like a lightening bolt, is it? I thought it would be. There was no "wake up call", sound of trumpets or fanfare. Only the realisation that the wordsI have uttered for the last 4 or so years "I CANNOT go through that excruciating journey of pain again" are not directed at God. God did not cause mypain! I caused my pain, maybe the devil caused my pain, maybe the devil just sat back with his feet up on the coffee table because I was doing sucha damn fine job all on my little lonesome, who knows?
What I do know now is that faith grows. Silently it weaves through your inner being, bringing tears to eyes that never cried, peace to a mind that would never rest. More importantly my faith screams, yells, stamps its feet and proudly says "I will not do this again, I have felt the pain and here I stand". My anger yelled it at God. My faith screams it to the world.
I moved forward, it may have been painful but it was the better option than staying stagnant in pain and despair.Always, the feeling of never moving, never growing but still more at peace with my decisions lay within, ever beneath the surface. When oh when was I going to feel, smell, sense what it means to be a Christian. When was I going to have a slow, ever swelling sense of Faith built within. To know,without doubt, or at least reasonable doubt, that I did not have to do it all on my own; That faith would get me there and grace catch me.
Its not like a lightening bolt, is it? I thought it would be. There was no "wake up call", sound of trumpets or fanfare. Only the realisation that the wordsI have uttered for the last 4 or so years "I CANNOT go through that excruciating journey of pain again" are not directed at God. God did not cause mypain! I caused my pain, maybe the devil caused my pain, maybe the devil just sat back with his feet up on the coffee table because I was doing sucha damn fine job all on my little lonesome, who knows?
What I do know now is that faith grows. Silently it weaves through your inner being, bringing tears to eyes that never cried, peace to a mind that would never rest. More importantly my faith screams, yells, stamps its feet and proudly says "I will not do this again, I have felt the pain and here I stand". My anger yelled it at God. My faith screams it to the world.
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